Story #89 - Dina, Berkeley CA (USA) - Maternity Leave, COVID, Working Mom & Mental Load
My baby girl, Sofia, was born six months ago. I also have an older son, Rocky, who turned three in March.
I went back to work in the second week of February when Sofia wasn't quite three months old. I have a senior role in a consulting firm. We do research and evaluation for non-profit organizations and foundations, and one of my company's core values is social justice. My colleagues are compassionate people; we all care about what's going on in the world, and our priority in terms of the work is to take care of each other and as a community.
But it's no secret that maternity-leave in the U.S. is awful. Even in California, where it's deemed to be better, it's still terrible.
I consider myself lucky because I have supportive colleagues. My original plan was to come back to a 60% workload and increase my time over the course of two or three months, to ease my way back into full time.
But came mid-March and COVID, and the Bay Area began shelter in place before most of the country did. We went into confinement during the fifth week after I went back to work. We quickly adjusted, or at least we tried to. But even working at 60% felt nearly impossible with kids at home with me.
Relative to all the chaos happening in the world, I find it difficult to talk about my struggles. We know that mothers currently have to take a step back across the country. It's going to have lasting effects on our careers, and for the rest of our lives.
My company is trying to find solutions that work for me as a working mother. They’re really trying. They asked last week if I wanted to take a leave of absence, and I can't help but think it shouldn't be that way. But I can't sustain this current rhythm.
My husband works in a corporate law firm, and there isn’t much flexibility. They obviously know we have small kids, but to them, the job needs to be done during the day.
The thing is, my work also happens simultaneously, at least for the meetings and project management part. Right now, I've moved the content work in the evening and weekends to care for the children. And when it’s not possible to tag-team... my son sits in front of the TV.
We are not okay. No one is okay.
Our leadership and senior staff want to protect our younger staff in the early stages of their careers from the emotional burden of having to deal with this situation. But what about parents of new babies? What about new mothers up all night caring for children with little to no support during the day? How is the world expecting us to show up?
I don't want to be a stay-at-home-mom, and I'm struggling to balance this new role with how invested and committed I am with this company. Because I am.
But I also feel torn between advocating for myself and remaining quiet. It's so isolating. In the last five years, I'm the only person in my company who had a baby. Some days, I feel I should step back (or step out) because I'm too emotional. It's a hard pill to swallow.
The analogy that pops up to my mind is that we have this big bus full of issues right now. Some are taking—and rightfully so—a lot of space, like systemic racism, public health, or the economy. But how we support working and postpartum parents also deserve a seat on the bus, so we don't lose sight of the issues and ultimately throw them under the bus.
(Family photo)
I have some professional working mom friends with whom I can speak, but no one's story is ever the same as what I'm going through. Their children are older and their reality, different.
I read all these articles coming out about how the pandemic is affecting working moms of young children, and I check all the boxes: high anxiety, juggling everything, not having time to rest. It's also fairly well-known that women often carry the mental load to begin with, and it keeps increasing. To me, it feels like it's doubled—at the very least.
It also created a different dynamic in my marriage. There's the career. There's the money. And there's the actual physical and emotional strain of having birthed a child. I'm still healing, and my daughter is incredibly dependent of my body. How am I supposed to care for my relationship when I barely have time to eat?
I know no one does have time to rest right now, but it's still hard. I read the other day about this idea of parents now being a trifector (employee, parent, teacher.) I would like to add a "playmate" category to the mix. My son called me his "best friend" the other day because he can't play with his own friends. I’m the only one here with him, and it's heavy.
It is impossible to continually expect mothers to carry the financial, emotional, physical, and domestic load. It kills future employment opportunities, but it also harms the whole family because we are emotionally, mentally, physically drained. And at this moment, it seems we have lost our place and voice at the table—given we had one in the first place.
And as I struggle to find my own voice on these issues, I can't help but think of the intersectionality (racial, social, economic) of postpartum people. The inequities for working parents, and particularly postpartum and new parents, have skyrocketed during the pandemic. My heart hurts for the women who have what I have going on, but with fewer resources and support.
I can't imagine having one more thing on my plate right now or one less resource or support to help me with this chaos.
But there is power in stories. And deep down, I know that to speak up and share our realities is the first step towards real, long-lasting changes.