Faces of Postpartum
Faces of Postpartum
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Sara, Montréal QC (4/4)

"My ‘mother-self,' if you will, is more like a slow conversion. There’s this rhetoric around conversion that it happens suddenly. St. Paul, for example, had a transfiguration: God comes as an Illumination, he is blinded, and then – bang! – he has faith. But a lot of times, it doesn’t happen like that. St. Augustine is one who writes about the construction of his faith as something that unfolds in time. Of course, we’re talking about religious conversions here, but the same applies to any type of conversion. It’s a process that involves tugging and wrestling. It is not always so sudden or so automatic. Just like in motherhood. More and more, I believe that there are two worlds: the world of people without children and the world of people with children. When you give birth, your body – concretely and automatically – crosses into the latter. But your mind might not follow right away. Not yet. It needs time to go through the transition. And even when you think you crossed over for good, you sometimes want to withdraw and return to your old world. I’m 36. I belonged to the old world for a long time! This fracture is part of me. I have to convince myself that it's now my responsibility to come back, that being with my daughter is my current reality. Before she came into our lives, my days were filled with pages full of writing. Now, they’re filled with full diapers! It’s still Creation. You simply cannot count it in numbers of pages."