Janine, Chester MD (4/4)
"We went through the same process as with Maria, but this time, we knew what to do. It was harder because he was fully developed. Exactly what I would have hoped. He looked just like me, which I liked. After getting back home, everybody was really great. They didn’t leave me alone for a second for two weeks after he was born. It helped and it made me feel really good to see how many people cared and were heartbroken for us. Then we took a trip for three weeks to Europe, just to get away and be kind of normal. But it doesn’t really work like that. We decided to do therapy this time. Which helps. We went to support group. It’s just one of those situations you never thought you'd be in, mostly because you don’t hear about it. You don’t know people who went though it until you go through it yourself. I’d like for people to realize that we exist. To make sure another mom out there who’s in the same situation as mine doesn’t think she’s alone. We’re still hopeful though, even if the doctors have never been able to tell us what happened. I’m scared. I just can’t imagine going through this again. I’ve been pretty much pregnant for two years straight now so I’m exhausted physically and mentally. But I also feel like I don’t have time. At least not enough. Somebody told us that, usually, when you’re dealing with death, you lose your past, but when you lose a baby, you lose your future. It’s so true. I just wish that is something people knew happened more and felt more confortable to talk about. To be there for each other, instead of feeling like it’s something to be embarrassed or ashamed of. Also maybe if it’s out there, there will be more research and trust: I wasn’t feeling him move as much, but I was embarrassed to go back to the hospital. I didn't want to be 'another mom with Braxton Hicks' who keeps coming back for nothing. I felt silly. Maybe there was some motherly instinct, but I let people talk me out of it. As a mom, you always feel guilt, and this is one of those moments: I let my son down. I was supposed to protect him, but I let him down. You don’t want to have to live with regrets like that."